


Become Happy

by Faefauna



Series: Someday [2]
Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: (kind of) Fluff&Angst, Awkward Dates, Changyoon has already passed, Developing Relationship, Dreams, Feelings Realization, Getting Over Lost Love, Getting Together, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Previous Lover Passed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:49:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28756158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Faefauna/pseuds/Faefauna
Summary: It had been over three years since Changyoon had left Hyojin's side, yet the days hadn't gotten as bright again, nothing shone like before. Only a cute waiter managed to shake something up in him again. But he wasn't sure if he could accept this yet.
Relationships: Kim Hyojin & Lee Seungjun | J-Us
Series: Someday [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108211
Comments: 8
Kudos: 23





	Become Happy

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to: [Even If It Isn't With Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27288199)(which is rated Explicit.)  
> You can techincally read this without reading the first, but it will make less sense.

"I met someone."

Hyojin didn't sound happy, not as happy as one normally does when finding a new love. Love hurts, sometimes more than it should. But Hyojin wouldn't exchange his time with Changyoon for the world, no matter how badly the departure tore him apart. 

It had been over three years since Changyoon had left Hyojin's side, yet the days hadn't gotten as bright again, nothing shone like before. The warmth of the sun didn't feel the same the moment that the other sun in his life faded. 

He had accepted it, only because there was nothing more he could do. 

“I still don’t know if I should keep meeting with him, if I’m ready for that.”  
Hyojin sighed, staring at the cursive on the stone, he loved reading that name. 

He missed calling that name. 

He remembered the first time he heard it, when it was said to him with a bright smile. He reminisced, talked about his day, but like always, responsibility called and he went back home. 

He had moved away. With barely any savings and only a small salary, making rent was hard. But most of all, it felt too spacious.  
Their old apartment was nothing big, but most of it was definitely filled by Changyoon's bright personality. The memories, the smells, the little details that were left in that apartment were too noticeable, so he decided to move.  
His new apartment was a lot smaller but fine for one person. His room was smaller, now filled with a bed for one, the kitchen was tiny and basically never used, the couch only had one of the sides dented in and his dining table had turned into a work desk. By now, he could afford something bigger, but he didn't feel like having more space to fill by himself.

He ordered take-out again and ended the day with the rest of his regular routine. On the couch, scrolling through his phone, a message popped up.

Seungjun:  
[Hey, how are you?]  
[Did you make it home alright?]

It was the guy he met a few days ago. Well he had technically met him nearly a half a year ago, when he went to look for a new restaurant close by right after the move.  
The joyful looking man was a waiter at that restaurant. 

Hyojin knew he himself didn’t exactly look approachable, Changyoon had told him so before, but the slim brown haired worker slowly started to ask more questions and sometimes hung out at his table if the night was less busy. 

It was nice. Hyojin ate most of his meals alone, so having a soft person joining him from time to time was a good change and Hyojin quickly learned his name: Seungjun. They grew friendly, but never spoke outside of his work.

One day Seungjun had asked to meet up.  
Where normally the conversations were relaxing to Hyojin, this one turned sour instantly. He wasn’t sure if he should, if he could even. He had picked up dating again slowly, but somehow, Seungjun made him a lot more nervous than any other.

He hesitated and Seungjun didn’t really wait for a response. He just scribbled his phone number on a napkin before setting off to go help another customer. In a moment of determination that evening, not wanting to be rude, Hyojin had added the number to his phone and texted Seungjun if the following day was alright. 

Hyojin was incredibly nervous for their meet-up but tried to not think much of it. He had talked to Seungjun before, he could do it again. With that mindset, he managed to somewhat settle. The fact that he was enjoying himself and enjoying Seungjun's presence, mainly made him feel anxious.  
Seungjun was incredibly flirty and definitely didn't invite Hyojin out for a chat between friends. The compliments and interest showed as much. Yet, Hyojin appreciated it, he liked how obvious Seungjun was in his flirting. 

The feeling of joy the other gave Hyojin scared him, it annoyed him. But the annoyance wasn't directed towards Seungjun.

He had been on dates with a few people during these past months, thinking he should fulfill his promise to find someone new and become happy. Everytime Hyojin went to dinner with someone he just noticed how much he still missed Changyoon, that no one made him feel the same way that ray of sunshine did. 

Only Seungjun managed to shake something up in him again. The joyful smile, the pretty eyes, the caring attitude; it attracted Hyojin.

This date felt less like a way to fulfill Changyoon's wish, and more something he did for himself. Because _he_ wanted to. Because he himself wanted to be closer with Seungjun. It was strange.

Seungjun was different. He was bright.

"Hey? Are you listening?" Seungjun had asked suddenly. Hyojin blinked out of his train of thought and the little lunchroom came back into view. 

"Yeah, yeah," Hyojin mumbled, "you were talking about your dog, weren't you?" 

"Ah...No... that was a while back."

"Oh shit, I zoned out. I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry," Seungjun smiled, "I tend to ramble, I'm sure I was being very boring."

"You weren't, it's not your fault. Some stuff happened and it's hard for me to focus," Hyojin said vaguely. 

"Is everything alright?" Seungjun asked. 

Somehow his tone wasn't one of curiosity, but one of genuine concern. Hyojin had noticed before how attentive he was, slowly remembering Hyojin's likes and dislikes with his limited restaurant orders. He noticed when Hyojin had slept badly and was understanding when Hyojin had an off day and wasn't in the mood to chat. Sometimes, Hyojin felt he was taking advantage of that kindness; meeting up with Seungjun without knowing if he could follow up on anything.

"Yeah, everything is fine," Hyojin said unconvincingly, but Seungjun dropped the topic and went to chatter on about something else. 

Occasionally he asked Hyojin surface level questions about his family and daily life. And Hyojin answered them just as flat, simply explaining how he lived and how he became a teacher.  
It definitely didn’t go smoothly. Seungjun tried to keep the conversation rolling, and Hyojin did his best to keep up and be interesting but he felt conflicted throughout, and zoned out a lot.

“Shall I walk you home?” Seungjun suggested.

“No, it’s alright. I have to run an errand.”

“Okay,” Seungjun shifted his gaze to the ground, “can we meet again?”

Hyojin looked surprised, given how shit he was at conversing today, he expected the other to be done with him by now.

“If you don’t want to, it's fine,” Seungjun’s voice shook a little, the tension and the other's cute smile made Hyojin's heart flutter a little. It scared him but he answered anyway: “I’d like to meet you again.”

Walking home, Hyojin felt awful, he noticed he was already very interested in Seungjun. He was caring, funny, interesting and on top of that absolutely gorgeous. 

Deep in thought, Hyojin had gone to Changyoon before running to the store to pick up some groceries. After that, he had taken a long route home to pick up some take-out. Which now brought him here, staring at his phone.

He tapped a quick message back:

Hyojin:  
[Yeah, I’m home.]

Seungjun:  
[That's good! Sleep well~]

It was an almost instant response, Hyojin smiled and turned off his phone.  
His living room felt empty again, empty like always but now there was guilt mixed in. He stood up and let his hand trail over a cold metal decoration on a side table. The frame of the picture was simple and a bit old by now. The only warm thing about the decoration was the adorable smile of Changyoon, frozen in time through a photo. Something in him felt like he should apologize, but he knew Changyoon wouldn’t want that, wouldn’t want Hyojin to be stuck. 

He had nearly gotten out. He had continued his social life, met people, went on dates, all because he felt like he was ready. But now that he was actually starting to fall in love, now that he was getting close to a new relationship, he dreaded it. He got scared his heart was replacing Changyoon. He didn't want that, never wanted to replace nor forget anything they went through. 

He left his metal wristband with the picture and went to take a shower, ending the day in silence again. 

\---------------------

_“Can’t you ever clean your shit?” Hyojin groaned after he stumbled over another box left on the floor, “what did you even order this time?”_

_“It only just arrived so I didn't have time to clean yet… but look.” Changyoon happily held out a uselessly big blender._

_“Why do we need that…?”_

_“C’mon it’s cool, we can make smoothies.”_

_He placed the blender on the kitchen counter and Hyojin shuffled behind him, slotting his arms around the other's waist and sliding his hands in the front pocket of Changyoon's hoodie._

_"We never even drink smoothies," Hyojin mumbled, still slightly asleep. He snuggled his face in the crook of the other's neck, taking in his sweet scent, feeling the velvet skin against his nose. It made him smile unconsciously as his body naturally reacted to the feeling of euphoria._

_The tickling made Changyoon giggle: "True, but it's healthy and tasty"-he ran his fingers through Hyojins hair-“and you should be healthy, I want you to live healthily, because I love you.”_

_Hyojin sighed, “I miss you.”_

\---------------------

He woke up, probably more tired than before, his heavy heart anchoring him to the bed. It had been a while since he dreamt about Changyoon, and it had been even longer since it was such a vivid dream. Changyoon's warmth felt near. To unfocus himself, he grabbed his phone, he would rather not think. It was always a double edged sword, he felt thankful his dreams let him live with Changyoon again at times, but it just drove home the fact how much he missed him.

Seungjun:  
[Hey! How are you~?]  
[There is a fun market being set up tomorrow with a bunch of little knick-knacks. It might be something fun to do? Would you join me?] 

Hyojin chuckled; finding Seungjun's assertiveness funny. He definitely was a cheerful guy and even his texts showed that. He had nothing better to do tomorrow, but he didn’t feel like going, it being a little too fast.

Hyojin:  
[I'm busy tomorrow, I'm sorry. Next time!]

Seungjun:  
[That's alright. Goodluck today! See you another time.]

Hyojin sighed, he wanted to lay in bed for the day. He had been doing fine so far, as fine as he could be. But Seungjun made him self-conscious. 

Instead of staying in a place that just fueled overthinking, he got up, put on a lazy outfit and left. The cold air of winter was refreshing but painful. He pulled up his coat and wandered to the cemetery.

"Hi Yoon," he said to the pretty writing, "I had fun yesterday, I went on a date. It sure has been a while since I went in one of those and actually liked it," he joked to himself.  
"I kept zoning out though and I felt terrible for him."  
Thinking of Seungjun his tone turned somber. "You wanted me to find happiness with someone new, right? He's nice, really nice…" Hyojin felt his breath tremble. "But I'm scared. I think I like him. I'm sorry." 

He admitted it, but he hated it. Something in him felt like he was cheating. He loved Changyoon, everytime he thought of him he still felt love, he felt bad loving another.

"I wish you were here. I know you can't, but I need you to tell me it's alright."  
He went silent, waiting as if he was going to get an answer.  
He jumped when he got a call. It was Jaeyoung, a junior from his old college. One of the few people he kept in contact with, one of the few people that was patient enough to stay with Hyojin's mood swings of the earlier months.

"Hello?"

"Hyojin, hey… Are you alright?" he asked, instantly noticing the crack in the other's voice.

"Yeah."

"Where are you?"

"I'm at Changyoon's."

Jaeyoung's tone stayed neutral, he knew Hyojin hated pity. "Oh… alright. Want to come over?"

"I should, probably," Hyojin mumbled. 

"Come over then, see you soon," Jaeyoung hung up, purposefully giving Hyojin no time to reject. 

Hyojin glanced at the stone again. Saying an inaudible 'I love you' before going back and walking to Jaeyoung who lived just a few blocks away. His apartment was shared but his roommate seemed to be out, luckily.

"Hey," he said in his low, comforting voice when he let Hyojin inside. "It's cold outside, do you want tea?" 

Hyojin nodded and took off his coat. He had been here often enough to find his own seat to settle into. 

"How have you been?" Jaeyoung started as he turned on the kettle.

"Generally fine."

"Generally?"

"Yeah."

"Hyojin, tell me."

"I… I went on a date yesterday," Hyojin admitted. He knew he should just tell Jaeyoung such things upfront, he was one of the few understanding ones Hyojin had around. So he was honest with him.

"...And?" Jaeyoung continued.

"He's nice."

"Is that all? Is this another boring guy?"  
Jaeyoung had heard Hyojin rant about all sorts of annoying men he had met since picking up dating again.

Hyojin kept his gaze on the wooden flooring.  
"No, not at all." 

"... You're interested in him?" Jaeyoung said carefully.

"I think."

"You don't sound excited about that."

"You must get why, don't you?"

"Yeah, probably," Jaeyoung sighed and poured their tea. He settled next to Hyojin and handed him his warm cup. "So, who is the lucky one?" he continued anyway.

"You remember I took you to that noodle place once right?" Hyojin said.

"Yeah."

"Do you remember the waiter that helped us then? The one that asked how I was doing."

"Oh, him? Yeah it was pretty obvious he likes you," Jaeyoung chuckled, "he didn't seem that fond of me being with you. But he was very friendly"

"Well, he asked me out for lunch."

"And it went well?" 

“Oh no,” Hyojin said dramatically, “It was probably one of the worst dates I have been on in a while.” He laughed remembering how stiff everything went. “But Seungjun kept going, kept trying to hold a proper conversation and it was kind of cute. He even asked me out again, but I rejected it.”

“Why did you reject it? If it was at least fun and you're interested in him, go for it.”

Hyojin nipped at his hot beverage. “I don't know.”

“Why? You’ve finally found someone. You like someone again properly, I see that look in your eyes.”

“I don’t know. I’m scared to get that connection again. I know it's irrational, but having Changyoon leave me hurt so much, I don’t want to go through that again.”

“Hmm,” Jeayoung hummed, thinking of what to say.

“And I still love Changyoon,” Hyojin said before the other could talk, “It feels… weird to be in love again. Is it weird to say it feels like cheating?”

“I get you, but try,” Jaeyoung agreed. "It’s alright, it’s okay to be in love, you don’t love Changyoon any less, and you won’t suddenly forget about him.”

Hyojin knew that Changyoon told him it was alright, that he could move on. Yet he was anxious.

"Hyojin…" Jaeyoung started carefully. "You're going to have to move on some day."

That made something boil in Hyojin, an irrational anger came up in him and he knew he shouldn't lash out, he knew the other meant well but it pissed him off. "Why do I have to?" he tried to say calmly but failed miserably.

"Moving on doesn't mean forgetting."

"I'm fine. I don't need anyone."

"Then why did you start dating again in the first place?"

"..."

"Hyojin you told me you wanted to meet someone again," Jaeyoung reminded the other, "why are you backtracking now?"

Hyojin had no answer for that. He indeed wanted to fall in love, get that euphoria again of sharing your life with another. He was a hopeless romantic and he wanted to enjoy that again with someone. Changyoon had made him one of the happiest people alive. He didn't want to replace Changyoon, he doubted anyone could do so, but he sought such happiness again. 

Now, Seungjun started to reignite that flame Changyoon once started, and it made it feel real. It was a change Hyojin suddenly didn't want.

"It's alright. Just go meet him," Jaeyoung pushed after the other stayed silent, "at least one more time. And don't feel the pressure of dating, maybe? Just start a new friendship."

"My heart already beats faster when he comes close," Hyojin sighed, "and I know he likes me. I doubt I can see this as a friendship."

"Try."

Later that day, Hyojin got home and sat on his couch again.

Hyojin:  
[Hey, I managed to get some time free. I can join you tomorrow if you want.]

It took him a bit to send Seungjun that message, he kept backtracking; deleting the message before retyping it. Eventually he just hit 'send' and left his phone instantly to go wash up. 

He peeked at his messages before he laid his head on the pillow. Seungjun had asked for an address so he could pick the other up. After giving the information Hyojin closed his eyes while hoping he wouldn’t dream, not tonight.

Even if he did, he felt relieved that he didn’t remember any when he woke up. He tried his best to look proper and Seungjun greeted him with a big smile when Hyojin answered the door.

The little market was vibrant. Some stalls were lined outside but after a quick look they soon found themselves inside. A big hall was dressed with different stalls. Most were filled with collections of things people had found in their attics. Seungjun had remarks about a lot of the items there, telling small jokes or linking them to childhood stories. 

“Did you have a reason to come here?” Hyojin asked after they had wandered around for a bit.

“Hm?” 

“I mean, are you looking for anything specific?”

“Oh, mostly just decorative things. I moved recently so I’m on the lookout for anything to make my little apartment more stylish,” Seungjun said cheerfully and went to ramble on about the move, the misfortunes and the positives.  
He talked about how, even if the rent was a little higher, his view here was way better and how he now didn’t have annoying neighbours, he added that the room layout was a lot more convenient as well.  
Hyojin liked how the other could just chatter, even if it was a lot of fluff, it was still interesting to listen to. He tried his best to focus this time, storing all the small bits of info Seungjun spoke. 

Seungjun managed to find a cute coffee table and a vase set. Hyojin even found some small things for himself, including a new photo frame for the one photo in the flowery alleyway was taken during their final vacation. He never found a frame he liked for that, the colours and shapes of the flowers didn't fit just any style, Hyojin felt. But this one looked perfect, simple yet stylish with a soft silver finish and small curls around the frame.

Seungjun had asked what the frame was for and Hyojin just shrugged it off, saying it was for a simple picture of course.

Hyojin felt proud that he managed to go on this date. It had gone a lot smoother than the other. They joked around and got to know each other better. Seungjun even invited Hyojin to dinner, relocating them to a random noodle place they found on the way. They kept their conversations going and it was relaxing and exciting. 

However, Hyojin didn’t follow Jaeyoung’s advice to see this as a start to a friendship. He was very aware of the fluttering in his stomach. But, today, the feelings felt a little less bitter, he tip-toed back and forth between feeling guilty and excited. It at least seemed like an improvement. Maybe he could soon finally accept this.

Seungjun had walked Hyojin home and waved him goodbye.

He knew he had to tell Seungjun about Changyoon sooner or later, but there hadn’t been a proper timing for it, and he didn’t want to end today's fun date with a sad story.

When he stepped into his living room, Changyoon’s smile greeted him. Hyojin wasn’t sure how to feel, he had finally done what he set out to do. He fell in love again and was starting something anew. He hadn’t forgotten about Changyoon during today, a lot of items at the fair reminded him of the past or made him wonder what Changyoon would think of them. But Seungjun played on his mind a lot too, a surprising amount to Hyojin.

He told himself that it was fine, this is what he wanted. He should just keep going, it'll be fine.

\---------------------

He met Seungjun again a couple of times at the restaurant the following week. They hadn’t met up for a bit as Seungjun hadn’t invited the other. So one day, after a lonesome dinner, because Seungjun was busy, Hyojin took the initiative and asked Seungjun out. Although he had no clue what they could do.  
So in a spurr of uncreativity he just suggested another lunch date, hoping this one would be better. He felt nervous asking Seungjun out for the first time.

Changyoon’s frozen smile once again welcomed Hyojin home, just like always, but this time Hyojin felt more conscious of it. A sudden guilt rose up in him, out of nowhere. He couldn’t think of a reason like he always could. Everything had been going well, why now? Why did he feel remorse?

He wanted to ignore these bugging feelings.  
He fiddled with the red threaded wristband to get it off and go shower, ending the day in frustration.

\---------------------

_"How's your day been?" Changyoon asked cheerfully._

_"Fine. Busy, like always but the students were nice," Hyojin hummed coming home from work, "are we going to eat on the couch?" he joked after seeing the table full of fabric and a sewing machine._

_"Ah, I will clean up real quick," Changyoon answered, "I went to cook in a hurry when I saw the time."_

_"It's alright darling. Let's just eat on the couch. Then you can pick your project back up right after," Hyojin suggested and gave Changyoon a small peck, "what is it anyway?"_

_That question got Changyoon excited. He left the stove and went to explain what dress he was making for a collection. It was for his final exam and he was meticulously crafting every detail to make it perfect. It was a soft pink gown with more frizzles and beads than Hyojin could count, but they all made a gorgeous, coherent dress._

_"Well, it looks amazing," Hyojin praised, making Changyoon flash a proud grin before sighing: "I can't wait to graduate."_

_"Why? Working isn't that amazing."_

_"I know. But then we can finally move out and afford a proper house."_

_Hyojin chuckled, "you're so impatient for a house."_

_"Let me be classy," Changyoon gave back, "I just want to find a house, get married and own cats."_

_"Yeah, yeah. I know."_

_"Now, go change your clothes," Changyoon ordered, "you'll definitely make them dirty if we're eating on the couch."_

_"Of course," Hyojin agreed before pulling the other close, connecting their lips._

_"The food is going to burn," Changyoon mumbled._

_"Just let me love you for a little."_

_"Later."_

_"Fine."_

\---------------------

"Why now?" Hyojin thought to himself when he woke up. The missing, which previously came like waves, crashed into him like a tsunami today.  
His eyes watered and his arms felt empty.

Changyoon had slowly stopped talking about his future plans the longer his illness lasted. But Hyojin always knew how excited he had been for a shared life. Before, he would often ask Hyojin what colours he liked for interiors or what pets he would want, if he wanted to live in a city or rather liked to have a house more rurally. 

It was gradual, but Changyoon kept those questions to himself more and more, as if he started to find them useless.

Hyojin laid on his back. As if in a torture chair with his eyes taped open, his brain forced him to watch that dream again and again. A clip of what could have been, of Changyoon's hard work coming to fruition. 

Hyojin cursed the universe once again; wished all misfortune upon it for taking such a life loving person out of this world so soon. 

If it had just been himself, Hyojin begged for the nth time. If it had just been him. If it had to be either of them; Hyojin begged for it to have been himself. 

He grew pissed, so he turned around and closed his eyes again, he didn't want to be in this version of the world. Not today.

The frustration made it harder to control his emotions. He wiped the annoying tears off his cheeks and only grew more hatred when he got a call. 

"What?" he unintentionally bit to whoever was on the other side of the line.

"Hi…" Seungjun's small voice said, "how late are we meeting? And where?"

"Oh," Hyojin had forgotten about the lunch date he had set up, "I'm-…” he felt bad for making Seungjun sound so nervous so he had turned his tone a little gentle. “Can we do it another day?" he asked calmly. 

"Sure. Why? Did something come up?"

"Yeah, it did…"

"Well, alright. Let me know when you have time," Seungjun added before saying his goodbye.

Hyojin put his phone away and crawled back into bed. Even though he knew that if he stayed here, he wouldn't feel any better, but he didn't feel like being rational today.

He chuckled, ached and cried at the memories that his brain decided to come up with within time he spent underneath his sheets. 

Only when the hunger made him light-headed did he leave the bed finally. He grabbed something quick and filled the apartment with a dumb series he found on TV. Saturdays like these were boring.  
He only had a few tests to look over, leaving him with a lot of time. He could call Jaeyoung but his social battery was empty. He just let the TV and memories keep him company until it became dinner time. He knew Seungjun had a shift today, so he didn't go to the restaurant. He didn't want to meet him in this state.  
He just fried some eggs and left it at that.

\---------------------

He ignored everything the day after. Ignored the messages, the responsibilities and just kept to himself to recharge. He wanted to meet up with Seungjun again, wanted to have his company. But he didn't feel like explaining everything to him now and just calling him over would be weird, so he spent the day alone.

He went for a run and stopped by Changyoon, at least throughout the day, he started feeling better than the day before.  
He still had his moments from time to time, but he was aware of them by now and was understanding towards his own mind; finding ways to deal with it. When dinner came around, he went to the restaurant again.  
Seungjun was there to guide him to his table.

"Had a busy day?" he asked after showing Hyojin his seat.

"Not really," the other answered honestly, "just a bit of a bad day."

"That's alright. Happens sometimes," Seungjun smiled and asked if he wanted a menu or if he already knew.  
Today, Hyojin wasn't in an adventurous mood, so he picked something he ordered regularly and enjoyed a meal in silence. Seungjun came sometimes to ask if he wanted more drinks but generally kept a friendly distance.  
Maybe the other was already a little too good at reading him with this, but Hyojin appreciated it. But if he was honest, he just wanted Seungjun to stay. 

He noticed he started to miss the other when they were apart. Coming back home, he finally stopped to think about it again. Went to ask himself properly if he was finally ready. The more he thought about it, the more the anxious feelings left and made a promise with himself: to finally accept a new person into his heart.

He wanted to be with Seungjun and he didn't feel guilty about that anymore.

Another week of occasional dating and boring days passed. After another friday evening date, they found themselves on a bench in an empty park.  
The night was pretty, the stars were bright and the birds were quiet. While resting his hands on the bench as he leaned forward, Hyojin scrunched his fist to keep his fingers warm. 

Noticing the shuffling, Seungjun laid his hand over the freezing skin. It didn't help much, Seungjun's hands were just as cold as they wrapped around.

Hyojin found the size difference kind of funny. Seungjun's elegant hand easily covered his small fist.

The action might not have helped, but the contact made that flame flicker that Seungjun was so good at stirring up; heating Hyojin from the inside.

"Say," Seungjun started after Hyojin looked up at him. "What...uhm… what do you think of me?" he stuttered

"Hm?" he hummed to feign ignorance to Seungjun's obvious hint.

Seungjun's voice trembled as he looked away "I mean…"

"You're nice," Hyojin said innocently, enjoying how it made the other's face scrunch as he thought of better phrasing.

"And I enjoy being with you," Hyojin added.

The simple words made the other curl his lips and grow a blush. Yet he was still unable to get his own words out, it looked adorable so Hyojin continued more: "and I like you," he said boldly.

Seungjun's expression grew into one of careful excitement. "Really?"

Hyojin smiled, "I do."

Hyojin’s heart picked up as Seungjun inched closer, staring into his eyes. He knew where this was going. Seungjun’s pupils, jumping to Hyojin’s lips every so often, said enough. 

"I like you too," Seungjun whispered.

With careful and hesitant moves, their distance closed. Gentle lips met Hyojin's and they kissed him softly, nervously. He reciprocated the kiss as he angled his head and let it linger. 

He accepted it, he liked it, but it hurt. It felt like a solidifying action.

He really had moved on.

He didn’t know if he should feel pride.

Seungjun pulled back. He instantly looked panicked and asked: "Is everything alright?"

"...huh?"

"I'm sorry if you didn't want to," Seungjun apologised quickly.

"What?" Hyojin blinked and noticed his eyes were watering. He hadn't noticed the tears forming. He chuckled inaudibly at himself; thinking he must look odd.  
He tried to suppress the tears and turned his attention back to Seungjun. 

"It's alright," he assured, "something just… happened."

Seungjun grew more anxious with the ominous words. "What?" he asked carefully.

“Nothing, I just-...”

“It’s alright,” Seungjun said with a sweet expression, “If you don’t want to say.”

Hyojin wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. “No, no I should just tell you.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, I should've told you this sooner,” Hyojin said and turned his vision to the stone path in front of them, “this is maybe not the best moment for this. But, I lost someone precious not too long ago. He meant everything to me," Hyojin started. 

The night fell silent as Seungjun listened carefully to the other's story. Only the wind kept strong, like it did on the balcony during his last vacation. It took Hyojin back while he recounted meaningful moments.

With well chosen words, Hyojin opened up to Seungjun about Changyoon. It was painful. But he gently told small moments of happiness before the diagnosis and how they dealt with everything after. He spoke about how Changyoon was the strongest person he had ever met and loved, before ending the memoir with a dreaded memory after their vacation, the only image he wished he could forget. He tried to keep it short but talking about Changyoon always made quick to ramble.

"I-... I'm sorry, I didn't know," Seungjun said, breaking the short quiet that followed the lengthy story.

"Well, I never told you," Hyojin said, "but it's alright."

"No it's not, I-"

"It's fine," Hyojin interrupted quickly.

Seungjun bit his lip, clearly still not accepting Hyojin's reassurance, who continued, "it's just that... I haven't fallen in love with anyone after Changyoon, so I’m sorry if I act a bit odd."

"Yeah, I can imagine," Seungjun said in a small voice. He seemed uncertain. He didn't make eye contact again.

A hint of regret settled in Hyojin's stomach, maybe he overshared, he knew he could ramble when it came to the past.  
The night stayed quiet; not wanting to make a noise and disturb the tension. Hyojin wished he hadn’t said anything. 

First he made their first date awful, and now he ruined the moment of their first kiss. Yet, he somehow expected this to happen. People always became awkward when he dropped this bombshell, and he couldn’t blame them, it’s a natural reaction.  
Hating this heavy atmosphere, Hyojin spoke up: “It’s really fine now. I like you,” he tried, "sorry for ruining the mood. I didn't know when to tell you. I wish I picked a better time."

“I like you too,” Seungjun said back with a grin, but his mind was clearly busy with something else. “It's fine, don't worry. It just happened to be like this," Seungjun continued, "anyway, it's getting rather cold, shall we head home?”

Hyojin knew he messed up, Seungjun’s sudden distance told him he had made him uncomfortable. But he had no clue how to save the situation, so he just agreed to the suggestion. 

The walk was awkward. Seungjun tried to be like always, but he wasn't a good actor. It was something odd. Seungjun was always so straightforward and close, but during this walk they didn't even make contact, didn't even accidentally bump into each other.  
Hyojin offered to walk the other home. He wanted to stay together a little longer; hoping he could come up with something to ease the other's discomfort.  
However, Hyojin wasn't even too sure what exactly was bothering the other, and couldn't pry it out of him with his own nervousness. So when they arrived at a newly built apartment complex, he just waved the other goodbye and walked home.

\---------------------

The next morning Hyojin had expected a text, or at least something from Seungjun like he started doing recently. A sweet good morning message or just some simple invitation to hang out. But his notifications were empty.

After a silent weekend, he started his work week normally as he waited for a message, but nothing came his way. Finding the silence odd, he took it upon himself to text the other. 

A few hours later he got a response but it was short, nothing to build a conversation on. The weird attitude Seungjun had developed stayed the entire week. Hyojin kept texting him but he barely got a proper word back. Seungjun had been so adamant in his pursuit, so Hyojin doubted it was just that the other had lost interest.  
He feared it was probably his story of that night. 

Once again, he texted Seungjun an invitation to go for dinner. For the first time in two weeks, he accepted and they met up again.

The dinner went fairly poorly, Hyojin tried to not call Seungjun out instantly and just kept to general topics to catch up. Seungjun settled somewhat and at least still seemed interested. He just spoke very carefully and hesitantly. Hyojin got sick of the hidden sympathy and finally addressed it when their plates were near empty.

"Why did you stop texting me?" he started bluntly.

Seungjun looked up. "Did I?"

"You used to hit me up every other day at least. Did I do anything?"

Seungjun stayed quiet and twirled his fork. So Hyojin continued: "Is it because of Changyoon?"

He put it directly; knowing that it was probably the case. His suspicion got confirmed when Seungjun let out a loud sigh and put his cutlery down.

"Seungjun, I really do like you."

"I… I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For… I don't know. Being dumb?" Seungjun muttered.

"I don't know what's bugging you," Hyojin responded to the vagueness, "please just tell me."

"I'm feeling unsure, alright?" Seungjun confessed, "you spoke so loving of Changyoon and it… it made me feel like I couldn't live up to that."

"No. What? Changyoon is Changyoon, you are you-"

"I know, I know. But normally you exit a relationship because you fall out of love, get dumped… At least something that ends the relationship," Seungjun's voice turned soft, "That didn't happen. I know you still love him."

"I do," Hyojin answered honestly, "and I don't think I'll ever stop. But Seungjun," Hyojin tilted his head to meet the other's eyes, "I am in love with you, truly. And I'm not comparing you, nor trying to replace him with you."

"I'm sorry, I'm being incredibly selfish."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm being insecure and making all this about me. You've been through enough."

"Please don't say it like that. I don't want your pity," Hyojin spat out. 

He always despised when people treated him differently after finding out he lost someone. They would stop talking about relationships or past memories involving Changyoon and it just became frustrating. People trying to protect him unasked, just pissed him off.

"I know you mean well," Hyojin tried to save his hostility, "But please don't treat me like someone fragile just because of what happened."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine, just don't."

With a bit of an inappropriate timing, a waiter came to ask if they wanted dessert. But neither were hungry anymore so they paid the bill and went home. 

"Come with me," Hyojin said before their paths would separate.

Seungjun went to ask why, but Hyojin interrupted him: "Because I'm not leaving this conversation here."

During the last part of the walk home, he kept his mouth shut and his pace determined. The pity Seungjun had displayed just bothered Hyojin. That Seungjun maybe didn't want to be in a relationship, he could accept. But if it was because he was being careful towards Hyojin, he wanted to get that out of the other's head. 

He opened the door to his small apartment and guided Seungjun to the living room. Hyojin turned on the kettle and joined the other on the couch.

"Ah, that was what the photo frame was for," Seungjun said with a small smile as he stared at the picture next to them, "he's pretty."

"True, he was really into fashion and he always tried to look his best," Hyojin answered before calling the other's attention, "Seungjun."

"Hm?"

"Do you like me?"

"I do," Seungjun sighed and bit back continuing words.

Hyojin grew a little nervous. "...but?"

"But, nothing. I'm just being useless."

"Why don't you want to be in a relationship with me then?"

"What?" Seungjun finally looked at Hyojin again, "I do want to be with you."

"Yet you stopped messaging me right after we kissed and it took me a while to finally get you to a restaurant again."

"I know." With another deep breath, Seungjun finally spoke his mind. "I just didn't know how to approach you after what you told me."

"Not any different," the other answered quickly, "It's the whole reason I told you so late. I don't want you to treat me differently."

"I just…"

"Please. Yes, it was hard for me to get over Changyoon's passing, yes, it hurt whenever I saw some happy couple," Hyojin admitted, "But for the life of me, I never wanted _them_ to break up just because _my_ love wasn't by my side. I never want others to change for _my_ sake," he explained, "that was in the earlier months. Now I'm doing way better. I love hearing about others again. I started going on dates because I want to find love again."

The soft lips Hyojin last felt a month ago, stayed shut.

"I nearly gave up on love," Hyojin chuckled, "but when I met you," he turned his tone soft. "I quickly started to take interest in you. I brushed it off for self preservation. But when you pursued me I became very conscious of my feelings and it did make me anxious. So I'm sorry that I was a little odd on our first lunch date."

"Ah. I just thought you found me boring," Seungjun chuckled.

"No, no I didn't. And god, I felt so awful when I got home."

"That's at least good to know."

"I already liked you back then. And I only like you more now," Hyojin mumbled, "it took me a bit to accept that. But if you're alright with me. I'd like to... take us further."

"Are you sure?"

"I am. I wouldn't do this without being ready. But are you?"

Seungjun went into his thoughts, he bit his lip in indecisiveness. 

"If you aren't it's alright," Hyojin assured, "I'll wait-"

"No. No, I don't want to lose this opportunity," Seungjun said, his voice turned determined. "I love you. I just have to get over this dumb insecurity."

"You don't have to rush it."

"I'm not," Seungjun said and moved in closer, "Hyojin, I love you."

After meeting Seungjun's lips for a second, Hyojin beamed a smile, "I love you too."

\---------------------

Even though Seungjun had said such determined words, it still took him some time to just act normal. He still was too hesitant at times when he wasn't sure, but they adjusted quickly. Hyojin never felt any effort being with Seungjun and the other relaxed quickly too. Seungjun's playful and flirty attitude returned after Hyojin scolded him a few times for holding back on purpose. 

They didn't make a note to keep everything slow paced. They just let happen whatever happened, set any step they were comfortable with. 

Neither could know what the other felt. Seungjun couldn't relate to Hyojin's experiences. But in turn, Hyojin couldn't know the other's insecurities about it. Yet they respected such and both didn't mind. 

Their love stayed strong throughout.

Time started to fly by again as the days turned brighter. They explored nearby places, took trips together and shared their love for food as they discovered all sorts of restaurants close. Seungjun joked that it was for market research, as he wanted to open his own café one day.

Before long, they spent nearly every day side by side and eventually started living together after finding a house. Hyojin had taken Seungjun to a far away resort once, wanting a meaningful question asked in a beautiful location. When coming home, he felt incredibly happy. It had been a while since he had cried tears of joy.

He couldn't wait to tell everyone, so he rushed himself to the cemetery.

Their new place was a little further from Changyoon but Hyojin always made time to visit and to talk to the cursive writing that brought him warmth. He had even taken Seungjun with him a couple of times. 

But today after a few years, he purposefully went alone, wanting to relay something important.

"Hey Yoon, I know you're watching over me, so you probably already know," Hyojin grinned and took his hand out of his pocket to show off the decoration on his hand, "but I'm getting married soon."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading
> 
> Let me know if you enjoyed this :]
> 
> Thank you to Phi for betareading this! (sorry for making you cry...)
> 
> Follow my twitter for sporadic updates, only if you're 18+ [FaeFauna TWT](https://twitter.com/Faefauna)  
> 


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